I had forgotten about this thing again for a while. xD I can't help it! It's just so easy to be like "Do dee dooooo, whatever!" and Bamph around with other things. But I was writing a letter to my sister and her family today and I began expressing my feelings about some of the thoughts I have had recently in spiritual matters....and like the big wuss I am I decided to not keep it in the letter, but to put it here instead. It's good for me to type my thoughts out like this, helps me organize and recognize things I hadn't thought of before...but it's just kinda sad when I write emails to myself. :P And since this is my blog I can put whatever I want on here. Mwahahaha! >:D (Keep in mind I was writing a letter so it seems like I'm addressing it to someone, because at the time I was. lol.)
Now I really am serious here, so even if my way with words suck please realize that these are my thoughts and pieces of knowledge that have most touched me. In other words, I hope you can see what I'm trying to say instead of what words I might use. I am like Moses when I say that I am not a public speaker, and anything that's actually important to me I get almost painfully shy about. So I am pretty much going to wing it and hope that the Lord actually puts the right words where they are suppose to go. ^^
I firmly believe that we are in the Lord's hands. I have had many times in the past few months that have been so recognizable that I didn't even have to question how or why things happen. And I, as I have been reading through the Book of Mormon again, have come to have a greater understanding and love for the people who wrote their stories for us.
I felt touched and deeply connected to Nephi when the Lord comforted him, particularly when he said "Blessed art thou, Nephi...thou hast not sought thine own life, but has sought my will, and to keep my commandments." (That's in Helaman 10, yo.) It's interesting the connections we can make with people who are long gone and who we have percieved to be these invicable people when we were young. I'm glad, because I feel like my mind has been opened a little, so I can understand more than I did when I was younger. After realizing Nephi had faced at least one of the major problems I had once I feel closer, and less like that kind of faith is unattainable, if that makes sense? It's easy to think that through time the prophets have had perfect faith, and never had any emotionally unstable times because of who they were and what their callings were, and it's easy to dismiss the size and power of my own faith.
I feel...very respectful of Nephi (the first) when I think about what he did because he was around 14 when Lehi had his first vision, and only, what was it? 20 when he built the arc. 20. When you were 20 do you think you could have built a ship? Or even have been the head of a project with dozens of workers to build something like that?
People of our day and age are less capable in everything because our faith in our potential as humanity has been altered. I don't say it's been destroyed or changed, but I think that we don't expect enough from people, and that has set a standard for the world we live in. I'm not saying I'm for over achievers, there are some people who expect miles out of someone who just can't do what they ask yet. The kind of people who push their five year old into all sorts of "extra activities" because "they never got the chance" I'm not refering to that. In my opinion those people have issues they need to work out. (Trust me, I'm the Queen of Issues, so I know my subjects. ^.~)
I guess the only other thing I wanted to say about the scriptures comes from Alma 7:23, which I read yesterday in my personal study.
"And now I would that you should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do recieve."
Unfortunately for me I realized that I am not getting an A in any of those subjects right now. I wouldn't even give myself a B in some of them. >.> (Matthew laughed the most when I mentioned the "easy to be entreated" part. :P) I don't know why this list jumped out at me so strongly at this time, but it was the answer to a prayer that I didn't even know I was thinking about in my heart. (He's good at anticipating those I've noticed.) In what ways or what things I will be doing to implement those things I won't bore you with. But I was struck by the simple words we hear so often, such everyday words that we can go and continue or lives without even thinking about what they mean. And I mean really struck. I think I know what some of the people in the Book of Mormon must have felt right before they were overcome with the spirit and pass out....well I didn't pass out but I had to read and reread that scripture over and over again. Even after I had finished my scripture reading for the day I went back to that verse and pondered those words and wondered how they applied to me.
What is humility? In some ways I think I'm humble (but does thinking that mean that I'm being proud? I always go in circles in my mind. @.@) and I can recognize the times and situations that I have been long-suffering. (Submissive and gentle...not so much. I won't tell you what my grades are in those subjects. >.>) I also wouldn't really say I'm very temperate...unless that means tempermental. :P
My goal for this week is to try to ask the Lord for things that I need, one spiritual and one temporal thing, for myself at least. I tend to pray for lots of different things, for lots of different people, but the only thing I can think of that I ask for myself is to help me not have nightmares. (Don't laugh man, I have had some seriously freaky ones the last few days. ;_ ; And I'm not sharing them with Matt anymore 'cause he said "Cool!" to the scariest one. Well...I dunno if it was the scariest. They're all scary. But it was definately the sickest one. My boyfriend is such a weirdo. O.o)
Anyway...the point I was thinking about was that this particular scripture has set a goal for me, and that's something I think I have been struggling with. I tend to want to be lazy, don't get me wrong! When I go, I freakin' GO! But given the chance I like to sit rather than stand, play video games rather than movies, and um...not clean, at all. xD
I have been feeling restless, and maybe even a little depressed and I couldn't figure out why so this has been like...an awesomsauce kick in the pants to help me. It's like the Lord was specifically saying "Why don't you actually do something rather than worry about what you don't feel you're capable of? I know what you can and cannot do, so have a little faith and trust in me, if you can't in yourself. OKGO!" :P
So yeah.....I think I'm starting to loose my train of thought (and the tracks melted, and the station exploded.) because I'm tired and I think I need to sleep. So I think I shall be done for right now, and hopefully I won't wake up and reread this tomorrow and be like "WTC was I thinking?!" so yeah. Gunfight! <3
-Kayla
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